What Mike Matheny Should Have Said

When asked over the weekend by a Hall of Fame beat writer about the biggest story of the Cardinals’ offseason, Mike Matheny decided to answer, and when he answered he politely refused to concede that his club is old and bad, causing friend of the blog Patrick Redford and others to conclude that the Cards were being “grumpy sourpusses” about the whole thing. While some have assumed that this was just an attempt to stitch a handful of tepid and unremarkable quotes into the Great Big Internet Quilt of Cardinals Antipathy, we can now exclusively confirm that’s not the case. Double Birds has obtained, directly from the parallel spatiotemporal thread in the multiverse in which Mike Matheny is not a bitter, paternalistic, I-didn’t-say-racist-I-didn’t-use-that-word-you-used-that-word-and-of-course-you’re-free-to-conclude-that-on-your-own-but-I-didn’t-say-racist person, a copy of what he should’ve told the Post-Dispatch: